Wife 22 Marriage Survey Part One

I recently finished a book called, Wife 22, by Melanie Gideon. It's about a teacher, Alice Buckle, who has been married for 20 years and has two children. Alice feels dissatisfied in her marriage, and that she and her husband are more like roommates. She decides to participate in an anonymous marriage survey, where she is assigned a pseudonym (Wife 22) and a caseworker, (Researcher 101).

Alice enjoys participating in the survey, because no one has ever asked her these kind of questions before. She is supposed to answer with the first thing that comes to mind, without thinking in great depth about the answer first.

Some of the chapters are merely answers to the survey, and though you don't know all of the questions, a lot of them you can guess, by the way she answers them. The actual survey questions are included at the end of the book.

I decided for fun, I might take the survey (in pieces, because it's long) on my blog. I have also asked some other friends to participate in the survey. I will keep their identities hidden.

How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than five minutes?

• Wife 23: all the time.
• Wife 24: Rarely. Maybe once or twice a week. We never text, talk on the phone, or email. At home when we talk, it's about dinner, TV, or kids.
• Wife 25: daily.
• Husband 26: daily.
• Wife 27: Several times a day.
• Husband 28: 3-4 times daily.
• Wife 29: Every day.
• Wife 30: every day.
• Husband 31: Once or twice per week.
• Wife 32: Pretty much every day or at least several times a week.

How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?

• Wife 23: as far as he's concerned, I work as hard as he does outside of the home, so he works as hard as I do inside of it.
• Wife 24: He is a HUGE help around the house.
• Wife 25: He runs it right now since I am the one working. He does the cleaning and the dinners most of the time.
• Husband 26: My spouse does the majority of it.
• Wife 27: For the most part we share the household stuff 50/50
• Husband 28: Greatly, we share a lot of responsibility.
• Wife 29: He provides the money and mows the lawn, I do everything else.
• Wife 30: monetary-completely, cleaning and upkeep- 20%
• Husband 31: Zero, she's not much of a homemaker.
• Wife 32: As well as he's able with the hours he works.

Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.

• Wife 23: complain about his kids.
• Wife 24: Laser hair removal, laser liposuction.
• Wife 25: Occasionally masturbate and eat 7Eleven donuts.
• Husband 26: Fill out surveys.
• Wife 27: 
• Husband 28: Drink occasionally.
• Wife 29: Nada, he knows everything.
• Wife 30: Sometimes I wish I would run into people I'm attracted to just so I can see them.
• Husband 31: I play a money tennis game every Wednesday morning.
• Wife 32: Masturbate.

 Do you believe love can last?

• Wife 23: I didn't... until I met my husband. Now I think it can if both of you want it to.
• Wife 24: There are certain kinds of love that can last, like the love between a parent and their child. I think people's love for each other can change, but I think marriage beats people down. I'm not sure I believe love between a man and a woman can last.
• Wife 25: yes
• Husband 26: yes
• Wife 27: yes
• Husband 28: Absolutely
• Wife 29: yes
• Wife 30: absolutely
• Husband 31: Anything can last if you try.
• Wife 32: Yes, real love can, but not that romantic love you start out with.

 
 Are you still in love with your spouse?

• Wife 23: absolutely. it's a cliche but I love him more now than I did when we first got married.
• Wife 24: I'm not sure. I love him, but I'm not in love with him.
• Wife 25: yes
• Husband 26: I love my spouse, But in love? If we weren't married, and had the relationship we do now, I don't think I could say yes.
• Wife 27: yes
• Husband 28: More than the day I married her.
• Wife 29:  More and more every day.
• Wife 30: yes
• Husband 31: Yes
• Wife 32: I think I am in love still but its very different from the whirlwind romance B-S in the beginning.

 

Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?

• Wife 23: no
• Wife 24: Yes, more than once throughout our marriage.
• Wife 25: no
• Husband 26: yes
• Wife 27: yes
• Husband 28: Nope, it would cost me too much. J/K Would never leave my spouse.
• Wife 29: No, but I do worry about him dying.
• Wife 30: yes
• Husband 31: Yes
• Wife 32: LEAVING? no.

If so, what would stop you?

• Wife 23:
• Wife 24: Fear, the kids, avoiding conflict, money, that I wouldn't be any happier.
• Wife 25:
• Husband 26: Damage to children, Financial issues from splitting up, realizing that the grass isn't always greener whenever I talk to my divorced friends.
• Wife 27: He's my best friend and we're a family.
• Husband 28: Child support.
• Wife 29:
• Wife 30: our children.
• Husband 31: Kids, joint assets, and alimony!
• Wife 32:  

List five positive things about your spouse.

• Wife 23: he thinks I'm his equal in all things, he laughs with me, he confides in me, he respects my opinion, he helps me without hesitation.
• Wife 24: Hard worker, good father, healthy, sense of humor, helps around the house.
• Wife 25:  he's very handsome, very attentive, has a higher understanding about God, is a big kid at heart (likes to play and have fun), has the same sex drive as me. 
• Husband 26: Compassionate, Patient, Intelligent, Attractive, trustworthy.
• Wife 27: Patient, kind, funny, sexy and hard working.
• Husband 28: Talented, loving, great friend/spouse, wonderful mother, so much fun to be around.
• Wife 29: He is the kindest (1) most generous (2) and tenderhearted (3) person I know. He always tries his hardest and does his best in all of his efforts (4) and he listens when people talk (5).
• Wife 30: works hard, loyal, forgiving, loves children, wants to do what's right.
• Husband 31: 1: Pretty, 2: Smart, 3:Goal driven, 4: Educated, 5: Doesn't believe in debt.
• Wife 32: Understanding/Accepting of how crazy I am, Loyal (this is not fidelity btw, loyalty is something else), Hard worker in his career, Rational- never flips out or jumps to conclusions, Shares my sense of humor and can make me laugh.

List three negative things about your spouse.

• Wife 23: he can be pretty negative. glass half empty kind of guy. That's all I can think of. I'd rather not think of any more because I don't want to focus on his negative :) I enjoy his positive too much.
• Wife 24: Not spontaneous, not romantic, not affectionate.
• Wife 25:  Forgets to wear deodorant occasionally, can have a higher expectation for my family than can be reached immediately, doesn't remember very well.
• Husband 26: Critical, Nagging, Bossy.
• Wife 27: snores, moody, gets stressed out.
• Husband 28:  Strong religious ties, doesn’t bend rules too easy, slams cupboard and car doors.
• Wife 29: He isn’t very romantic. He does things without thinking it through sometimes. He is sometimes too kind.
• Wife 30: too negative about themselves and it interferes with their progression in all aspects of life, little faith, not healthy.
• Husband 31:  1: No domestic skills, i.e. cooking, cleaning, watching kids, 2: Cannot follow budget guidelines, 3: Too serious.
• Wife 32: 1-Leaves a lot of 'projects' around the house unfinished which drives me effing nuts, 2-intentionally tries to make communicating hard when he's pissed at me, so I guess passive aggressiveness on occasion, and 3- needs to take better care of his health and physical well being.

List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your twenties.

• Wife 23: I met him when he was 29 so this doesn't really apply.
• Wife 24: That little line between his abdomen and hip.
• Wife 25: Since I didn't know him when he was in his twenties and I have only seen pictures, I loved his mustache and curly hair.
• Husband 26: eyes.
• Wife 27: Arms/hands.
• Husband 28: Her boobs.
• Wife 29:  Hmmm... Probably the overall slender build, I love a skinny guy!
• Wife 30: legs.
• Husband 31: I liked everything.
• Wife 32: Um, upper torso I guess- he has no @$$.

List your favorite part of your spouse's body now.

• Wife 23: His arms. His torso. His smile.
• Wife 24: His calves.
• Wife 25:  I love his arms & chest, eyes & smile, and his naked bum.
• Husband 26: eyes.
• Wife 27: Arms/hands.
• Husband 28: Her naked skin.
• Wife 29: His hands, He has such strong yet gentle hands.
• Wife 30: eyes.
• Husband 31:  I still like everything.
• Wife 32: His eyes and smile.

List some little irritations of marriage.

• Wife 23: I have to run my decorating ideas past him. And if he doesn't agree... meshing so many schedules is hard too. 
• Wife 24: When he drives aggressively with me and the kids in the car, when he wants to talk about household/financial business right when I walk in the door, when I don't get my way.
• Wife 25:  I like being in charge and not having to compromise. I like answering only to myself and having my life the way I want it. So marriage doesn't allow me those luxuries. Marriage means sometimes I don't get my way.
• Husband 26: When I tell her something and 30 seconds later she asks me a question proving she wasn't listening to anything I said. Shes sound asleep with the TV on loud. I go to bed, turn it down, change to something I want to watch and she wakes up tells me to turn it off because she cant sleep with it on. She never answers her phone but freaks out if she calls twice and I don't answer.
• Wife 27: who is doing more in the marriage.
• Husband 28: It’s not always equal.
• Wife 29: Maybe sometimes you want to be selfish and do things your way but you have to always consider your partners opinions and thoughts too... compromise isn’t always so easy.
• Wife 30: planning schedules around each person's plans, feelings and expectations, trying to win arguments instead of remembering we are on the same team, misunderstandings.
• Husband 31: I feel like I do most of the domestic work, she doesn't understand investments, and too much shopping.
• Wife 32: Not being on the same page about money, not being on the same page about child rearing, not wanting the same things for the house etc., somebody spending money that they shouldn't have aka using a credit card we agreed not to.

How does your marriage compare to your parent's marriage?

• Wife 23: my parent's marriages suck. So I'd say I"m doing much better. Which is sad.
• Wife 24: My dad talked down to my mom a lot. She never felt she was enough. They fought constantly. I think my marriage is better, in that, my husband and I rarely fight. My mom and her current husband are very affectionate, and I envy them in that way.
• Wife 25:  I believe my parents married because they had to and have felt stuck with each other ever since. They are only happy because of the routine of marriage and it makes me sad to see them sometimes. I never wanted that and it was a deciding factor to my divorce. In my marriage now, I see that I married (name omitted) because I wanted him and none other. That I could've possibly been happy with someone else down the road but chose to stop on the (name omitted) train because I liked him. I loved him. I chose him to make my situation happier instead of my parent's situation forcing them to be "happier". 
• Husband 26: Theirs seems much better. We fight far more often. I don't know that I ever saw them fight.
• Wife 27: More loving.  I never saw my parents kiss or express their love.
• Husband 28: It doesn’t compare, we’re still married and my kids know me.
• Wife 29: My parents would have literally killed each other. They both say so. They were only married for 7 years. (Thank god) my marriage is what I think most people dream of their marriage to be. It’s amazing!
• Wife 30: similar, but we have better conversation than they do, we also probably fight a bit more.
• Husband 31: When it comes down to the bare bones, it's pretty much the same.
• Wife 32: their love was 'epic' but their marriage was difficult, so mine is probably really no better or worse.

What is the last anniversary gift you received from your spouse?

• Wife 23: He took me on an outing that was catered completely to me and a life long dream I've had. He made that dream come true.
• Wife 24: I don't remember.
• Wife 25:  I have not received one yet. (Married less than a year.) I also never received one from my ex in our 10 year marriage.
• Husband 26: Cant remember been too many years.
• Wife 27: We went to Vegas together. But the best gift I got was a real star in the galaxy that he bought me.
• Husband 28: Sex followed directly by a massage.
• Wife 29: We don’t really do anniversary gifts.
• Wife 30: flowers, candy bars and a nice card.
• Husband 31: A shirt, I seem to always get shirts for everything.
• Wife 32: I am a horrible wife, I don't remember but I know it was something romantic.

 Describe your first impression of your spouse.

• Wife 23: He was so handsome I had a hard time looking him in the face. I didn't feel like I was good enough for him.
• Wife 24: I thought he was preppy, and a little nerdy, but later I thought he had a nice smile.
• Wife 25: Handsome, but he scared me. He gave off very strong vibes and made me extremely nervous.
• Husband 26: Quiet but cute I was immediately attracted.
• Wife 27: "there you are...my best friend."
• Husband 28:  Preppy cheerleader type.
• Wife 29: I used to pick on him, I thought he was too shy.
• Wife 30: athletic.
• Husband 31: I thought she was sharp, beautiful, and well mannered.
• Wife 32: Self-assured and charismatic.

Describe your spouse when you first met him/her.

• Wife 23: He was a loner. Did his thing when he felt like and to hell with everyone else.
• Wife 24: He was older than me, so he seemed really mature, but looking back, he was a giant man-child. He didn't really know how to treat a lady, he treated me more like a kid-brother. He just wanted a trophy-wife. He was in for a rude-awakening.
• Wife 25: I thought he was handsome, but also thought he was too old for me and didn't even think about dating him.
• Husband 26: Petite, very thin..quiet, attractive.
• Wife 27: That he was my Older brother's best friend..and married.
• Husband 28: Good girl who did no wrong, listened to her mom about everything and never really did anything bad. Was a straight laced kind of kid.
• Wife 29: Skeleton skinny... I think he said “hey baby, don’t be stuck up!”
• Wife 30: engaging, funny, competitive, liked to have fun.
• Husband 31: Well mannered, with a firm handshake. I know it sounds weird but, I like a women with a firm handshake.
• Wife 32: Tall, dark and handsome, athletic, in school, smart, funny, charismatic and charming.

 

What do you wish you had known/been warned about regarding marriage?

• Wife 23: If I'm talking about my current marriage... it's been hard to trust again. I still haven't combined my finances with him and it's not his fault. It's the fault of the one before him.
  The first go round... I wish I would have known that both partners aren't necessarily going to keep trying. And one can't make it work on their own.
• Wife 24: That just because you are married, doesn't mean you won't ever be attracted to anyone again. That marriage doesn't necessarily equal happily ever after. That one person can't be your everything. That marriage, doesn't make you fulfilled.
• Wife 25: That it is not a fairy tale. Being LDS I think they drill into young girls how much a temple marriage will bless you. They make it seem like it's what will bring you happiness and your troubles will be over and you'll be on your way to salvation and eternal bliss. WRONG. Marriage brings you new roads to work on and new troubles to overcome. I think they should compare it to college more than everything. College is just another level of education. Marriage is just another level of work. You put into it what you want out of it and reap the fruits of your labors always seeking more and more education or higher levels of work for your happiness. Marriage is not a reward, it is a challenge.
• Husband 26: Overall I don't think anything has really been a surprise. Nothing that could be "warned" about.
• Wife 27: How hard it is!!!  It's not a hayride.
• Husband 28:  How little time you would spend with your family, and how much time you would spend with hers.
• Wife 29:
• Wife 30: That you will both fail each other multiple times.
• Husband 31: I had already been listening to a couple of friends complain for a few years, so I knew what I was getting into.
• Wife 32: I wish someone would have told me that real love is dealing with the other persons ugly parts and emotional baggage and taking them how they are, that sex will not likely be wonderful and like it is in the beginning- desire and attraction wanes over time, but that in spite of that, you can actually grow to be more deeply in love and committed- also it would have been helpful if somebody had said you don't need to get married to be taken care of, take care of yourself, you are capable and you can do that s#@!- live your dreams and don't get married too soon, travel, screw people, go to school and finish, have some life experiences before your life is not your own anymore.

Is your spouse a good listener?

• Wife 23: no LOL and we talk about that all the time. it's not doing any good, but at least I know that's how he is and he doesn't argue with me when I have to say "I DID tell you about this..."
• Wife 24: Not really. Not only do I have to tell him things more than once, but he doesn't seem to understand what I am really saying.
• Wife 25: Yes.
• Husband 26: I would say below average, but it seems average is pretty bad. so, average.
• Wife 27: VERY!!! He's my sensitive 90's man!!!!
• Husband 28: Very good listener.
• Wife 29: Mmm... most of the time. If I sit down to talk about something important or specific, yeah.
• Wife 30: sometimes.
• Husband 31: Kind of, she hears what she wants to
  hear.
• Wife 32: In the beginning of our marriage, NO, absolutely not. After nearly getting a divorce and an affair, he has changed dramatically in this area and the answer today is YES he is, most of the time.

Is it okay for spouses to keep secrets?

• Wife 23: it depends. I have a hard time liking his kids. Is that something I want him to know? No. Because I don't feel it's right of me to feel that and I'm working on it. I want us to have a good family unit. But there are other types of secrets that can be so harmful. You just shouldn't have them. I might be a hypocrite saying that though.
• Wife 24: Yes. It's good to have a little mystery. It prevents things from being boring. There are also some things that would just hurt the other person.
• Wife 25: yes. I've trusted him with things no one else knows about me.
• Husband 26: no.
• Wife 27: YES, as long as it's not hurting the marriage.
• Husband 28:  Absolutely it’s OK to keep secrets. No one needs to know EVERYTHING.
• Wife 29: NO!
• Wife 30: Depends on the secret.  Secrets about a friend's secret? yes.  Secrets about yourself? I really think those are pointless and counter productive to the marriage.  We shouldn't be scared to tell our spouses things.  Aren't we here in this life to help each other through it?  Easier said than done though.
• Husband 31: Everyone needs a few secrets.
• Wife 32: YES.

Does your spouse do a good job communicating his/her needs to you?

• Wife 23: yes. very.
• Wife 24: He never tells me what he needs, so I assume he doesn't need anything.
• Wife 25: No, I think he needs more than he asks from me. so I try and give him more than he asks for.
• Husband 26: could be better, but good.
• Wife 27: Mostly, and especially after many hours of therapy on how to communicate.
• Husband 28: Depends on the day really, sometimes yes and sometimes no.
• Wife 29: Absolutely.
• Wife 30: actually, not really.
• Husband 31: Yes.
• Wife 32: No, not always.

What do you consider flirting?

• Wife 23: joking around, touching, but with an underlying "feeling" to it.
• Wife 24: compliments, finding excuses to touch, laughing, sweet words, kissing, sexual innuendo, smiling, a certain sparkle in the eyes, physical affection.
• Wife 25: anything that could potentially make me or him jealous.
• Husband 26: any communication with another person with sexual overtones.
• Wife 27: It's been so long...I forgot!
• Husband 28: Sweet talking the other sex in hopes of getting something out of it. i.e, sex, make out, one night stands. Talking is not flirting.
• Wife 29: It really depends... body language and emotional intentions are really hard to read... I don’t like for any person to flirt with me so I usually freak out on someone if I suspect it.
• Wife 30: facebook poking (haha), texting or other communication unless it is strictly business.  I also think it really depends on the intent of the communication.  Just having fun as friends, or wanting more.  Very gray area and must be treated carefully.
• Husband 31: Light kissing, and @$$ patting j/k it's just talk!
• Wife 32: Anything that you do which is designed to peak interest in you by another person, whether consciously or not.

What is the last mean thing you said to your spouse?

• Wife 23: I honestly can't remember.
• Wife 24: I'm sure I must have said something. Can't remember what it was. But really, we try not to fight dirty.
• Wife 25: that I don't believe he likes my daughter at all.
• Husband 26: that she never listens. 
• Wife 27: "you're turning into your father."
• Husband 28:  I honestly can’t remember.
• Wife 29: I can’t think of anything.
• Wife 30: That he wasn't giving me attention.
• Husband 31: Shut your mouth when I'm talking to you.
• Wife 32: You and I need to go on a diet, we can't afford new clothes and we already paid for the gym membership.

What is the last mean thing your spouse said to you? 

• Wife 23: I can't remember that either. We argue, don't get me wrong, but we're constructive, we're out to fix whatever we're arguing about. We don't lash out.
• Wife 24: It's not really the things he says, it's the tone of voice he uses. He speaks to me as if I don't know what I'm talking about.
• Wife 25: I don't think he's really said anything mean directly to me, it's usually how I interpret it. But he always thinks my kids should be better at something and I take it as me not being a good mom.
• Husband 26: That we shouldn't be together.
• Wife 27:  that I can be a snob.
• Husband 28: I don't remember.
• Wife 29: Also, cant think of anything.
• Wife 30: That I didn't understand he is under a lot of stress.
• Husband 31: F#@k off.
• Wife 32: He agreed.

Stay tuned for Part Two!