Cuckoo Child Care Provider--Part Two

Last week, in Bad Babysitter--Part One, I told you about how Babysitter said she was raising her rates, getting very pushy with me, and basically telling me how to raise my child.

It was nice to hear from many of you, that you agreed that she was over-stepping her bounds, because I sometimes I doubt the validity of my feelings. (This is partially because Mr. Wright is very laid back and easy going, and therefore doesn't get upset about things like I do, and partially because I've been gaslighted too many times in my life.)

I feel I should give you a bit more background information about Babysitter, because some of you were wondering what her qualifications were. No, she is not licensed. However, she said she had nanny experience, experience working with special needs children, and preschool experience. I DID ask for references, and I DID check them. Her references gave glowing reviews.

Remember how in December she said she was raising her rates from $30.00 per day to $40.00 per day ($360.00 per month to $480.00 per month)? One day, as I was picking Sunshine up, Babysitter says, "You remember that I am raising my rates to $45.00 per day, starting in January, right?" I say yes, even though I know she had told me $40.00 per day. (Now the cost has gone from $360.00 to $540.00 per month.)

The day she asked me to pick Sunshine up early, she started saying that she's been doing more "research" on the going rate. She says she has broken down the average cost-per-month, by age.

I am looking at her handwritten cost break-down and seeing numbers like $690 and $577. She tells me that she will take an average of 6 months, and will write it all up. She says that will include any sick or vacation days to reserve Sunshine's spot. I have no idea what she is talking about or where she's getting her numbers, and I tell her I'm not sure we can do that, but will mention it to Mr. Wright.

One day, as I'm dropping Sunshine off, she spends 30 minutes talking with me about Sunshine, and her schedule. She tells me that Sunshine is only sleeping 30- 40 minutes at a time for her, and that she needs her to sleep 2 hours at a time, so that she has time with her own son.

She wants to keep Sunshine up longer during the day, so she will sleep longer at nap time. I'm not sure how well that will work for her, since the last time she tried that, I ended up picking Sunshine up early, because she was so overtired.

I tell her that she does take 1-2 hour naps for me, and ask if possibly the dog barking is waking her up. (She has an ANNOYING little yappy Yorkie that barks at me EVERY time I come over.) She tells me her dog NEVER barks during the day.

She also tells me that Sunshine will only eat 3-4 oz of formula for her. I tell her that I am able to get her to drink 5-6 oz at a time. She tells me that she is concerned that Sunshine is not happy with her and that she wants to make things easier for her.

She says she will start Sunshine's day by putting her in the front carrier so that she can get that extra physical attention that she craves, that skin-to-skin contact. (Skin-to-skin contact is an extremely intimate thing, usually between a baby and her parents). She says she is trying to be a "Second Mom" for Sunshine. A SECOND MOM! (This REALLY rubbed me the wrong way! Who says that to a mother, about their child?!? How DARE she?)

I give her a check for January at the $45.00 per day rate. Because I have spent 30 minutes talking with her at drop off, I am late for work that morning.

When I pick her up that night, she spends ANOTHER 45 minutes talking with me. When I get there, she has her What to Expect the First Year book sitting on the table, along with her Parents Magazine, and she has printed something from The Fussy Baby Site called "High Need Babies". She begins reading over the article with me, and telling me that Sunshine is starting to be a high need baby (you can read the descriptions of each characteristic yourself if you choose):

• Intense
• Draining
• Feeds Frequently
• Demanding
• Awakens Frequently
• Unpredictable
• Super-Sensitive
• Can't Put Baby Down
• Not a Self-Soother
• Difficulty Entertaining Themselves

Really, when you look at the list, it describes ALL babies to a certain degree. Babies are a lot of work?! No shit, Sherlock! And she's basically telling me that Sunshine cries all the time, and she can't put her down.

As she's reading these, I am absolutely seething. I tell her I am shocked to hear her say that Sunshine is a high need baby. I tell her that Spitfire (my other daughter) had colic and was DEFINITELY a high need baby, but that Sunshine is nothing like that. I remember I couldn't put Spitfire down, even to take a shower!

I tell her that at home, Sunshine naps 2 hours at a time, eats well, I can put her down, she will entertain herself, she plays independently, she can fall asleep on her own, and she self-sooths by sucking her thumb. Compared to how Spitfire was as a baby, Sunshine is an ANGEL baby.

I tell her that it sounds to me like this isn't working out, and that Sunshine is not happy there.

Babysitter tells me that she has been doing some "sleep training" with Sunshine today, and that she thinks Mr. Wright and I need to do it at home also. She says that she thinks Sunshine will respond well to the "sleep training", but that if she can't get on board with it, Babysitter will have to start charging me $8.00 per hour ($72.00 per day, or $864.00 per month, from $360.00--notice the price keeps increasing every time I talk to her?).

I do not like confrontation, so as she is speaking to me, I am mostly silent, and just nod my head. I do not want to listen to her advice, but I am not willing to get into it with her.

She says that she, Mr. Wright, and I all need to work together, so that we will all be on the same page. She, Mr. Wright and I need to co-operate so that Sunshine will be happier. She says something about us co-parenting! CO-freakin-PARENTING!!! That coupled with the "Second Mom" comment makes me think of the movie "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle".

I tell her that I am offended by her saying things like she wants to be a second mom to Sunshine, because I am her mom. She says she was worried about how these difficult conversations would come across, and that she doesn't always know the right words.

She then looks at the check I gave her and says, that she guesses she can accept what I've paid her for the month, to give me 30 days notice, but that her monthly rate is that average she was showing me, of $575.00 per month. I tell her that she told me her rate was $45.00 per day, and that Sunshine would be attending 11 days that month, and that is what I paid her for.

She tells me no, the $575.00 is for the whole month, and includes any sick or vacation days. She explains that I have to pay the full amount to hold Sunshine's spot. I clarify that she means for us to pay, even for days that Sunshine is not there, despite only being there 3 days a week.

I tell her there is no WAY we can do $575.00 per month, and that I don't think we should have to pay for the days Sunshine isn't there. She says that is standard for day cares to hold her spot. She says that she will work with us, so that we will have 2 weeks a year of vacation or sick time.

I leave thinking things have mostly been resolved between us (except for the cost), and I will try and play nice, but I know we cannot afford what she is asking us to pay. I don't like her unsolicited advice. I don't want her to be a second mom to Sunshine. I don't feel she is a co-parent with me. I know I will be looking for a new babysitter soon.

I thought that was the end of the discussion, but I was wrong....More in Part Three.

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy"

A friend shared this article with me earlier this week, and it really struck a chord. Now, I'd like to share it with you. I'd love to read your comments below, when you're finished.

 

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy"

Yashar Ali

Writer: The Current Conscience - www.currentconscience.com

Posted: 9/12/11 04:34 PM ET

You're so sensitive. You're so emotional. You're defensive. You're overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You're crazy! I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humor? You're so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you're a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it's not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling -- that's inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, "Calm down, you're overreacting," after you just addressed someone else's bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It's patently false and unfair.

I think it's time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation, and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they're crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman's husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman's character reacts to it, he tells her she's just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim's perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it's usually because the perpetrator says things like, "You're so stupid," or "No one will ever want you," to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer's character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman's character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I'm addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction -- whether it's anger, frustration, sadness -- in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren't rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, "You're so sensitive. I'm just joking."

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, "Can't you do something right?" or "Why did I hire you?" are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn't know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, "It doesn't help me when you say these things," she gets the same reaction: "Relax; you're overreacting."

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it's exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, "You're so sensitive," to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn't a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It's a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don't refuse our burdens as easily. It's the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren't able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can't tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can't tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, "Forget it, it's okay."

That "forget it" isn't just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It's heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: "You're late :)"

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don't belong in, who don't follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as "crazy" has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, "Oh, about how crazy we are?"

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don't think this idea that women are "crazy," is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it's connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as "crazy."

I recognize that I've been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends--surprise, surprise). It's shameful, but I'm glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It's about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, "The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn."

So for many of us, it's first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn't the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women's opinions don't hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn't quite as legitimate?

Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy -- How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

I hope you will join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter.

This piece originally appeared on The Current Conscience.

 

Follow Yashar Ali on Twitter: www.twitter.com/yashar