Crazy, Psycho Babysitter--Part Four

And now for the harrowing conclusion to the Bad Babysitter Saga. You can catch up on Part One--Bad Babysitter, Part Two--Cuckoo Child Care Provider, and Part Three--Daycare Drama.

I apologize that it took me so long to write Part Four. I'm sure you'll understand that I've been looking for a new babysitter. Plus, my kids have been sick. Not to mention that re-living the content of this post is kind of painful.

After being bombarded all evening with her text messages, I felt I should really cool down before responding with a knee-jerk reaction. I wanted to be sure I wasn't reacting emotionally to the situation, and could think with a level head. I especially didn't want Babysitter to take out her frustrations with me on Sunshine. Luckily, the next day was Mr. Wright's day off, and then it would be the weekend.

Mr. Wright agreed that the things she had texted me Thursday night were pretty offensive. It took me all of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to calm down enough to come up with a reply. I decided that I would give her a month's notice that we would be looking elsewhere for child care.

Please don't come at me for telling her via text message. She was the one who started it. And I really didn't want to spend my whole evening hashing things out with her. We tried our best to keep things really professional. Actually, I'm really glad to have written documentation on my phone of the things she texted back, in case it ever comes up. You'll find out why, when you read it.

Here is what I texted to her:

ME: Hi Babysitter, sorry I didn't get back with you until now. I've had a really busy weekend. I appreciate what you are trying to do for Sunshine. Honestly, the increase in cost is a big issue for us. We really cant afford to pay what you are asking. I also think we have different goals. But we have already paid you through the end of the month, so if you could please watch her til the end of January.

(All grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors are the way they came across my phone from Babysitter.)

BadBabysitter: the cost is one thing...can u tell me what ur goals r for Sunshine?

(I wasn't sure what to reply. It wasn't so much my goals for Sunshine that weren't the same, as much as it was my goals relating to our babysitting relationship that I disagreed with. I didn't have to reply, because then she sent this:)

BB: Im not sure u even have any goals for Sunshine...if so what r they?

BB: i will take cae of her...and i can only hope u will do the same.

ME: Thanks, we appreciate it.

At that point I had HAD it. I felt if she was going to be that BLATANTLY condescending to me, then I didn't need her. I immediately called Mr. Wright's sister-in-law. I said, "I know it's short notice, but I am having babysitter issues. Can you please watch Sunshine for a couple of weeks until I can find someone new?" She was happy to help.

BB: BTW..I told u each month frm Jan-Jun is $575.00 per month...u paid me $495.00 (because I paid only for the days Sunshine would actually BE there, at 2-3 days per week) so u owe me $80.00.by the 15th of Jan.

ME: Just rip up that check. We'll bring you a check for the two days you watched her in January. We don't need you to finish out the month, we already found someone else.

BB: U paid me for the month..however i gave u a total of Jan.-j ul. averg. If i do not receive payment of ?80.00 by the 15th ..then childcare will be disc

BB: ontinued upon that date.

ME: We will not be bringing her tomorrow, or ever again. We have found someone else to watch her the rest of January. So if you will rip up that check, we can bring you one for the two days you watched her.

BB: I would have ripped up the check...but u were busy at play rehersal...therefore it was dep. 24hrs. after i gave u notice.  ur way to busy to have a ba

BB: by...pull it together and take care of ur baby!13

ME: So we don't have to put a stop payment on that check, since it hasn't cleared yet, do you want to give us a check back for $400?

BB: U contacted u the night we had a talk...but ui were to busy to continue the conversation?play rehersal? it superbobvious that u have little time for Su

BB: nshine...one day you'll figure out what priorities are...baby basics r not ur thing!

BB: BTW...payment-check-shmeck...pay attention to the life that depends on u!

BB: FWD: I can't talk about it right now. I'm in rehearsal for a play.

BB: There is nothing better than moms that r way to busy for their kids-especially baby's sitting, waiting for a tit-that will never come.

BB: im sure its devistating to bring ur child to a place that actually cares about her-how dare...do research and fing info....tummy time? whats that....fo

BB: od-who feeds their child...sleep patterns-omg

BB: God Bless..those who depend up upon a pre-occupied mother!

BB: Don't worry...it has nothing to do w/u...ur the #1 MOM  of the year!

I of course was completely upset and flabbergasted by this. I knew it would do no good to try and defend myself. At this point, Mr. Wright stepped in.

MR.WRIGHT: This is Mr. Wright. Please try to be a little more professional. This isn't High School. I was wondering how we can settle the $ with you though.

BB: isnt high school...then whos taking care of the baby u all broughtg into the world?

MRW: We are. How about the $?

BB: I will not stand aside and be the only one who cares about ur baby...really why am i the only one who cares about her scheduale?

MRW: I think you GROSSLY overstep your professional bounds. We will worry about the welfare of our 2 children. Thank you.

BB: Part of my job desciption is to recognize when parents aren't taking care of there obligations: Sunshine is usuallt dropped off needing to  be fed, she is 

BB: usaually stressed to a point where meeting her basic needs is difficult, she is not able to put down for rest w/o her crying excessively, she is not ab

BB: le to put down w/o her screaming....she is not fed properly, she is not given tummy time, she is not on a sleep schedule or being sleep trained-therefor

BB: e as a  provider I am unable to give care to a child that does not have her basic needs met ? home. I am not GROSSLY crossing my boundaries...i am requ

BB: iring that the parents be accountable to meet the nneds of there child b4 i will be resposible for the care of the child. this is a requirement of my j

BB: ob desciption and ? some point i would have to report child neglect on ur part if u continue to ignore ur childs basic needs. 13

BB: Mom has never been interested in Sunoshine's time ? my house and has expressed tht she only cares about the last time she ate and her last nap...she has

BB: also expressed her frustration that dad doesn't do anything to accomidate Sunshine's schedule-he does what he wants when he wants. I now know that mom wo

MRW: Thank you for your last few months of care. We are making other arrangements. No need to try to insult us. We are 100% capable of caring for our child

BB: rks full time, is in a band, and has play practice-which tells me there is little time in her schedule for an infant. I gave Mom notice of my concerns

BB: and she was to busy in play practice to get back to me. U both need to get it together...this is ur child-she's a tiny baby.

Mr. Wright starts to lose his cool with her.

MRW: We have been together for 15 years, where's YOUR family stability?

BB: REALLY...why would u not give ur baby tummy time, why would u not help her learn how to sleep, why would u be scared to feed her food, why would u be in

BB: sulted if ur childcare provider noticed that ur child has needs that arent being met...that is parental neglect-i am appalled that u r in the health car

BB: e industry.  Make some sacrifices and take care of ur child BETTER...there is no excuse on ur part.

MRW: Where is your license? Do you know what it takes to be an RN? I should have been more careful choosing you

BB: Whatever vail u want to create about ur stability is fine...i have a job to do and tht means to make sure that the children in my home r cared for prope

BB: rly. ur only intrest is saving a dollar and going home....u have never been intested in ur baby's time at my house or how im caring for her. The conve

BB: rsation i had w/...u couldn't look me in the eye and there is no sign that either of u read anything about babies. where is ur capability? there is noth

BB: ing wrong w/giving them food and helping them sleep-yet this is left unattended...why?101010

BB: RN my ass...what do u know about taking care of ur daughter? She is neglected-its obvious.

MRW: We agreed to $30/day. You have gone up 150% so far. Had I known that would happen, I would have gone elsewhere

BB: To be a childcare provider that gets paid ?3hr...u do not have to b an RN.  to watch up tp 4 children in ur home u do not have to b an RN. what i do is

BB: read regularly about parenting, i look into the needs of the children i care for, and i notice most parents r to busy for their children. I inquired a

BB: t 4mo. and 5mo. if u giver her tummy time-both of wich u said no. what exactly does RN mean...i doesnt take an RN to rgive an infant their basic nee

BB: ds.

BB: i gave u notice about payment increase...$30 per day for 9hrs of infant care is rediculous. I have a right to increase my rates at anytime.

BB: Ur cheap and selfish.

BB: Sunshine came dressed for winter once...the resr of the time it was as if it was spring. She never smelled nice and her clothes/blanks/burp clothes were

BB: always spoiled-she deserves better.

BB: U look for an RN next time and i'll look for parents that r involved in raising their children. BTW  u can't afford an RN...u can afford someone who nee

BB: ds the money more than caring properly for a child in their hands.

Needless to say, those were low blows. Her venomous barbs hurt where they were intended. I felt really down, dropped out of the play, and began to question myself. I mean, when someone challenges a fundamental belief that you have of yourself, it really makes you take a closer look at yourself. 

I do read up on parenting. I had read "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer", which encourages babies to learn to sleep and play independently. Tracy Hogg's theory is that babies should become integrated members of the family as soon as possible. Yes, your life drastically changes, when you have a baby, but that doesn't mean the baby should "rule the roost". She understands that babies have different personalities and that no two babies will respond the same way.

This book helps you to understand that you CAN get your baby on a routine, without militantly scheduling when they will eat and sleep. It is unreasonable to expect a hungry baby to wait to be fed, simply because it is not eating time yet. If they are tired, they should sleep. The book helps you to read your baby's cues. I had implemented the feeding, sleeping, playing, and soothing schedule listed in the book.

There are all kinds of mothers, and many different mothering styles. I am not the June Cleaver-type mother. I don't make home-made chocolate chips cookies from scratch. My house isn't always perfectly vacuumed, dusted, or polished. I don't make the beds and have dinner waiting for my hubby when he gets home.



Damn you June Cleaver!



I'm also not the kind of mother who grows an organic garden, or cans peaches in the summer. I breastfed, but I don't breast feed my children to age 5. I don't have home-births. I don't home-school my children. Both are very valid forms of parenting, and if that is your style, I don't condemn you for it.

After being called a bad mother, I read The Bad Mother Manifesto, which made me feel infinitely better. It was almost like she and I were on the same brain-wavelength.

My favorite part was, "I reject entirely the idea that we can or should judge each other as mothers, beyond the obvious and most basic standards of care, and even then, I reject entirely the idea that any one of us is so perfect that she could throw the first stone without hesitation...I reject entirely the idea that mothers should worry about what it means to be a good mother in any respect beyond loving and protecting and providing for their children."

Another part I liked was, "The idea of the Good Mother has kept us in our place, has kept us cowering, alone, behind the veil; our important work – our critically important work – kept hidden behind the walls of the household; our lives and our stories and our history kept secret, kept quiet, because Good Mothers are private, are modest, are pudicae, because Good Mothers tell no tales."

I also read another blog called Not Supermum: The Bad Mother Club. She says, "If we work outside the home we feel guilty for not being a stay-at-home Mum. If we're a stay-at-home mum, we feel guilty about not enjoying it as much as we should be. If we're strict we feel guilty, if we're easy-going we worry we're not strict enough. Not cooking every meal from scratch? Guilt. Not being able to breastfeed? Guilt.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We're our own worst enemies. Why?

So, I'm going to abolish the Bad Mother's Club and I'm going to open another one-The Good Enough Mother's Club, because most of us are good Mums doing the best job we can. And that's just fine."

Honestly, I'm not a perfect mother. I don't do laundry as often as I should and my kid has reflux, so she throws up constantly. If I bathed her, changed her clothes, and washed her burp cloths every time she threw up on herself, I would be doing that all day.

I care about my child's well being, but I also believe that I am the best judge of her happiness, and needs. At the end of a long day at work, I just want to pick her up and go home.

Yes, I choose to work outside of the home. I love my kids, but I also need to have a life outside of just being a mommy, for my own sanity. I believe I am teaching my girls to become independent, self-sufficient women. I also am allowing my husband to take an active role in parenting, to foster a close bond with his girls, and to share in the child rearing.

Besides, does this look like the face of an unhappy, neglected child?

We have since found a new babysitter, so all is well.

Adventures in Babysitting

When I went back to work after my maternity leave, I never imagined it would be so difficult to find quality child care for Sunshine.

When Spitfire was little, we lived in Tooele. I used a free service called the Child Care Resource and Referral. This service matches you with both day care facilities, and in-home child care in your area, and tells you whether they are licensed or have a certificate. They also tell you whether there are any violations or grievances filed against them. They do not recommend one provider over another, nor do they guarantee the quality. I was really lucky, and was able to find 2 GREAT child care providers for her, whom I felt loved her and gave her the kind of care I wanted her to have.

This time, for Sunshine, my mom was unemployed, and she volunteered to watch her until she got a job. Sure enough, one week before I was to go back to work, she was asked for her references on a job she interviewed for. Aaack!

I logged onto the Child Care Resource & Referral website, and typed in my information. There were only 2 providers listed in my zip code. One was a facility daycare. I was sure I didn't want to take her to a facility daycare, because my fear was that she would be put in crib and ignored all day. I wanted someone to watch her out of their home so she could have some one-on-one attention. That left only one provider.

When I contacted this provider by phone to inquire if she had any openings for a newborn, she said she would have to get back with me. She was waiting to hear if another mother was going to start her baby. While on the phone with her, mid-conversation, she stopped to reprimand a child. "Don't interrupt me when I'm on the phone, you need to wait until I'm finished to talk to me! That's very rude to interrupt me!" she said. To me she said, "I'm not working today, that's one of my neighbor kids." In my head I was thinking, "I don't care whose kid it is, you're reprimanding them while on the phone with me, when I'm interviewing you for CHILD CARE?"

I decided to call her back another day, mostly because she lives so close to my home and it would be convenient for me. She still wasn't sure she had an opening, but asked whether Sunshine had any health problems. I assured her she did not. She then asked me if it was my first baby. "No," I replied, "She's my second. But I have a 10-year-old, so it has been a while." "So she's spoiled then," she said. I was very offended and taken aback by this. How dare she call my child spoiled! Besides which, can you really spoil a newborn baby? They're supposed to be held a lot, not left to cry!!! Needless to say, I wouldn't be using her. I would have to expand my search.

When I expanded my search to include providers in my city, there were 29 providers. Several of these were facility day cares. Many that I called had no openings for newborns. I made appointments to visit 3 family day care providers that were in North Salt Lake and Rose Park.

When it comes to finding a day care provider, it's a jungle out there!

The first lady I visited was Hispanic. She had several hanging spider plants all over the ceiling of her living room, making it look like a jungle on her ceiling. She hung little stuffed animal monkeys from the vines. It was very interesting, but I was trying to keep an open mind. When I asked her if she had any references, she said, "Yes," but then stared at me blankly. It was clear she did not understand what I was asking. I really wanted someone I could communicate with about my child, who could communicate with me.

I was early to my next appointment with another family child care provider. As I was parking in front of the house, I noticed a woman pull up in a van and go into the house. When I got to the door, the same woman was the one I had the appointment with. There was a four-year-old wandering around the house, and a baby asleep in the crib. I did not see any other adults present during my visit. This led me to believe that the provider had left the children unattended while she ran errands in her car.

The home was not only cluttered, but filthy, and dark. It also smelled of animal urine, despite the provider's claims that there were no pets. Because of this, I decided to turn this provider into the board of childcare licensing. As a side note, Sunshine cried at each of these places. Maybe she was trying to tell me something!

I couldn't believe these were my choices! I couldn't possibly leave my child with any of these people! What was I going to do? I only had two more days to find child care before returning to work!

I began wracking my brain for other options. My sister Dreamer couldn't do it, as she goes to school full-time during the day. My sister Skinny already has 3 kids of her own, one of which is a one-year-old, and she works part time as a massage therapist, so she couldn't do it. I have a friend who does day care, but she lives too far away from me.

Mr. Wright's sister has 4 kids under 6, including one under one-year-old, and she has a lot of health problems. I didn't feel comfortable asking her. Another sister-in-law would probably love to do it, but their house seems to be a breeding ground for strep-throat, since every time Spitfire visits, she comes home with it. My other sister-in-law lives clear out in Riverton, and works part time as a CNA. Mr. Wright's parents are in their seventies, and his father has a lot of health problems. It's been a long time since they've taken care of a newborn. You forget how much work they are. I didn't think they could handle her, and didn't feel comfortable asking them.

Starting to get desperate, I decided to check into the pricing at some of the facility day cares near my work. I was sticker shocked to learn they cost between $842 and $980 per month! I can't afford that!!!

I checked Care.com and Sitterfinder.com. Many babysitters or Nannies wanted $8.00-$10.00 per hour, which is still more than $800.00 per month!

Running out of time, I checked Craig's List and KSL classifieds. I must have called at least 30 people. Most had no openings for a newborn, or were too expensive. I left messages, but several people didn't call me back.

Finally, I got a call back from a woman who had an opening, was reasonably priced ($30.00 per day), and even better, she lived nearby my home and work! When I went to her house to meet her/interview her, her home looked like children played there, but was clean. She picked Sunshine up out of her car seat and held her and talked to her, immediately putting me at ease. Sunshine smiled at her.

She was also willing to take Spitfire on non-school days. She didn't mind that I would bring pumped breast milk to feed her. She didn't mind that Sunshine has reflux and spits up a lot. She didn't mind if I want to come spend my lunch break with Sunshine. She was a dream come true and I hired her on the spot. It's nice to know your baby is being well taken care of! Whew!