Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Choice of the Matter

Since my last blog post more than a year ago, Mr. Wright and I divorced. It was not a decision made easily, and while on the outside we seemed like a happy couple, it was no longer working for either of us. We've been fortunate to remain very amicable throughout it all, which not only benefits Spitfire and Sunshine, but is the mature thing to do. 

My naive little 18-year-old-newlywed self somehow believed that once I got married it would all be peaches and roses. I mistakenly expected to be completely fulfilled by my husband. I never expected to feel alone and empty. My emotional needs were unmet, but I expected him to read my mind and know exactly how I felt, so I never voiced my unhappiness. Instead I let my resentment grow until we were essentially strangers. We never fought, that was never the issue. But we also never talked. 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about choice as it relates to love. I don't believe we choose who we fall in love with. But STAYING in love? That is most definitely a choice. Perhaps I am coming to this conclusion late in life. 

The more I have reflected on this, the more I have seen little quotes or sayings or articles on the internet confirming it. One of my favorite quotes from the movie This Means War is: 

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman."

One of my favorite songs this year is "I Choose You," by Sara Bareilles. A sampling of the lyrics are: 

"There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again

We are not perfect
We'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you."

A Facebook friend posted this to her timeline (the word decision implies a choice):

Then another friend posted this quote by Paulo Coelho from The Zahir:

"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose - and commit myself to - what is best for me."

And then this article surfaced. I was particularly struck by this part:

"When I got married, I...didn't get a guarantee that our marriage would work out. Such guarantees don't exist. What we did get, however, was a choice.

I get to choose to be the wife I want to be. I get to choose whether to become closer or whether to drift apart when times are hard. I get to choose to have the marriage I want with the man I choose to marry."

Obviously the Universe has been trying to tell me something. Okay Universe, I think I finally get it!

I've been very fortunate to have someone special come into my life. I have cherished being in a relationship filled with communication and mutual respect. We have stayed up all night talking on more than one occasion. I feel I am completely myself around him without pretense. He was easy to fall in love with, that part I didn't choose, but our relationship has not come without some challenges. Sometimes we have misunderstandings and conversations that are hard to have. In many ways our relationship is the most difficult I have ever had, and yet it's the most real, and the most fulfilling.

At the end of the day, there is no one else I'd rather be with. There is no one I'd rather listen to. There is no one I'd rather curl up with on the couch and watch The Walking Dead. There's no one I'd rather be touched by. There's no one I'd rather kiss. I choose to be fully committed to him. Love is a choice. It is not just something that happens. It takes work, but the reward is worth it. I make a conscious decision to love him every day. I choose him, I choose us and I choose love. 


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Hot Air Balloon Ride

A few months ago, I purchased a Groupon for a sunrise Hot Air Balloon ride for two from Morning Star Balloons. I have always thought a balloon ride would be fun, and figured I didn't need an excuse to do it.

We scheduled our balloon ride for July 16th, and luckily, Mr. Wright was able to arrange to go into work later that day. We met at the Hotel Park City at 6 a.m., along with some other balloon riders. After checking in, we were driven in a 15 passenger van, to the launch site about 20 minutes away. Unfortunately, I was in the very back of the van. I started to feel a little queasy.

When we arrived at the launch site and unloaded, they started setting up the balloons. I realized I had to use the bathroom, even though I went before we left the hotel. I knew I couldn't wait another 1 1/2 hours, and I wouldn't enjoy the balloon ride if my bladder was full, but what could I do? We were in the middle of a huge field! Luckily, I spied a very large hill a few yards away. I snuck off behind the hill, and made sure no one was looking. Sweet relief!

The balloon baskets had to be pushed off the trailers and put onto their sides.

Next they used giant fans, and a few helpers to open up the balloon.

They add a little heat to keep the balloon inflated.

Getting excited!

When the ballon was filled with air, the pilot walked in to make sure there were no tears in the material, and that everything was safe.

Once there was enough air, they were ready to turn upright.

The other balloon was ready before ours.

This was the other balloon, not the one we rode in

Finally, we were ready for take off too!

Each basket carried twelve people, plus the pilot. The basket had a center compartment where the driver rode, and four smaller compartments on each side. Everyone loaded in. We had to share our compartment with another girl. I felt like sardines.

Please notice how close I am standing to the "hot air" part of the balloon, as this comes into play later. Here is what it looked like from the inside:

Finally, we were in the air.

The views were breathtaking!

An airplane landed just underneath us.

The hot air balloon doesn't move very fast, rather, it glides. As the sun came up it got warmer, and I was right next to the fire-breathing hot air machine. The heat started to get to me. I'm not afraid of heights, and the balloon wasn't moving fast enough to give me motion sickness. But I think the heat combined with the queasiness from riding in the back of the van did me in...Luckily, I didn't throw up on anyone below, but I had to peel off my layers, and keep my head down. I felt like such a baby.

When it was time to land, we aimed for the school field. We caused quite a stir, momentarily distracting the local cheerleading practice.

As we prepared to land, we only hovered about a foot off the ground.

After a safe and uneventful landing, it was time to put the balloon away. I thought it quite comical that they roll it up like a giant sleeping bag.

We were each given a Certificate of Ascension, which is kind of a nice touch. Too bad the pilot doesn't know Calligraphy.

I asked the pilot how many marriage proposals he got per year. He laughed and said maybe 75%. He said once he even had a whole wedding party!

On the way back, at my request, I was able to sit in the front of the van.

If you ever get a chance to go on a hot air balloon ride, DO it!!!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Life Well Lived

I know I haven't posted anything in a really long time, but it's not for lack of vi-keri-ous activity. It's amazing how you don't have as much time to blog when you're busy, well, living.

I promise I will try to find time soon to blog about the following things:
  • Whale watching
  • Boating
  • Las Vegas
  • Hot Air Balloon ride
  • Sunshine's birthday
  • Family reunion

And I had better hurry and get caught up. I was going to blog about seeing Chicago at the Egyptian Theatre, but now the show has closed, so I've missed the boat on that one. Plus I'm leaving for another vacation to Portland, so I'll have that to blog about too.

I've also got some exciting news...another reason why my blogging might decrease in, not THAT kind of news. I'm not pregnant.

Actually, I've been accepted into the Nurse Practitioner program online at the University of Southern Indiana. I start August 20th, which is in just a few weeks. The last time I was in nursing school, I had no time for friends, activities, reading (other than school books), or t.v. and I never saw my family. I had no life other than studying, going to school, homework, and sleeping. I'm hoping *fingers crossed* that it won't be quite that bad this time (but I'm not holding my breath). It should take me about 2 years to finish, maybe a little longer. Then I will be able to work in a private practice, seeing patients, and writing prescriptions, almost like a Dr.!

Wish me well!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Wife 22 Marriage Survey Part Two

And now for Part Two of the Marriage Survey, taken from the book, Wife 22, by Melanie Gideon.

You can read Part One here.

Would your friends say you are happily married?
  • Wife 23: I hope so.
  • Wife 24: Probably not.
  • Wife 25: I know my family has, so I'd say yes.
  • Husband 26: Most. The close ones would probably say yes even though they know we have had problems.
  • Wife 27: Our friends were shocked when we separated 5 years ago and felt they were doomed.  They said...if we couldn't make it no one can.
  • Husband 28: Yes.
  • Wife 29: For sure.
  • Wife 30: yes.
  • Husband 31: 50%.
  • Wife 32: Yes.

Would you say you're happily married?
  • Wife 23: absolutely.
  • Wife 24: Depends on when you ask me. Sometimes I feel I’ve had more unhappy years than happy ones.
  • Wife 25: YES.
  • Husband 26: sometimes. Which maybe means no.
  • Wife 27: YES but not always. It goes up and down but always on the up and up.
  • Husband 28: Yes.
  • Wife 29: Absolutely.
  • Wife 30: yes.
  • Husband 31: Yeah.
  • Wife 32: Happily? Yes. 100% satisfied? Never. Such is life.

Describe your first kiss with your spouse.
  • Wife 23: it was a tender light peck that came out of the blue.
  • Wife 24: It was in the car. He didn’t know that I had this thing about kissing in cars. I felt a gentleman would walk you to your door. Besides, car kissing is always awkward. So he lost a few points for that. I remember he always had that sour Mountain Dew aftertaste. And I constantly had to wipe saliva off my chin. :/
  • Wife 25: I'd waited all day to see him, I open the door, he holds me tight before I could even close it, slides his hands behind my neck, breaks the embrace just long enough to press his lips against mine.
  • Husband 26:
  • Wife 27: Not what I thought it would be...more familiar and comfortable than passionate.
  • Husband 28: It was fun and obviously enjoyable. I still go back for more.
  • Wife 29: I honestly don’t remember... we were probably drunk.
  • Wife 30: exciting, but a little too much tongue.
  • Husband 31: Happened quick, she instigated.
  • Wife 32: He was a terrible kisser. I had to teach him how to kiss. I think that's what got him hooked on me.
Finish this sentence: I feel loved and cared for when...
  • Wife 23: my husband considers my feelings in things. Or texts me in the middle of the day. Or touches me as he walks by me in passing.
  • Wife 24: someone really notices me, compliments me, makes special plans for us, finds excuses to touch me, flirts with me, buys me things, and values my opinion.
  • Wife 25: when he touches me.
  • Husband 26: My spouse does things for me that I didn’t ask her to do.
  • Wife 27: always.
  • Husband 28: “the house is clean and laundry it done.”
  • Wife 29: I am needed and able to fulfill the wants and needs of people important to me.
  • Wife 30: I am held and told nice things and listened to and defended.
  • Husband 31: I don't have to continue to work when I get home.
  • Wife 32: my husband pays attention to the little things and responds before I even ask- he knows I need my tires inflated and he just does it, for example. 

If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person, whom would you choose?
·       Wife 23: no one. Sex is emotional. I only want to have those feelings with my husband.
·       Wife 24: Only one? Hmm. Maybe Ryan Reynolds?
·       Wife 25: I wouldn't. I just got sick at the thought.
·       Husband 26: no comment.
·       Wife 27: I have many "freebies" and so does my husband.  Right now, I'm in love with Pink.
·       Husband 28: It’s hard to say… Not sure if it would be someone I know and see often or if I would want it to be a complete stranger that I would never have to see again. We do have a top 5 like on Friends.
·       Wife 29: I wouldn’t.
·       Wife 30: Ed Harris.
·       Husband 31: Tough question, I don't know.
·       Wife 32: I don't know if I could decide like that. I think I know who the person would be, but there would need to be a lot of flirting and such before hand, or it wouldn't be any fun. Also, that's like potato chips... you can't really eat just ONE can you?

If you gave your spouse one free pass to have sex with another person, whom would your spouse choose?
  • Wife 23: he'd say the same as me. He gets really mad over how people talk about celebrities like that.
  • Wife 24: Jennifer Anniston
  • Wife 25:
  • Husband 26: Tom Cruise. Realistically? I can’t say at all.
  • Wife 27: Anyone with huge boobs and red hair.
  • Husband 28: Hers would be someone from her top 5.
  • Wife 29:  He wouldn’t.
  • Wife 30: Gwen Stefani.
  • Husband 31: Enrique Iglesias or Burt Reynolds, I don't know, but I'm sure they would be famous.
  • Wife 32: I haven't even one single clue, seriously.
What is the most memorable place you ever had sex?
  • Wife 23: standing in front of the bathroom sink. But it's because he was splashing water on the front of my white t shirt and it just got "hot".
  • Wife 24: on the grass at the park, or balcony of our hotel room. We also gave each other hand jobs in the back of his parent’s car, while they were driving in the front seat.
  • Wife 25: my couch the day he proposed.
  • Husband 26: The pantry.
  • Wife 27: My brother's office (where I worked at the time).  We got caught by the cops.  Hehehe.
  • Husband 28: Either top of the roof, the golf course green, or on a boat.
  • Wife 29: The beach.
  • Wife 30: camping with parent's in their camper trailer.
  • Husband 31: Beach.
  • Wife 32: Memorable is not best, right?   Bathroom at the Belgian Waffle when we were still in the sneaking around phase. And pretty much every bathroom anywhere, ever. Jeez.

What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
  • Wife 23: "love you baby, be safe".
  • Wife 24: Um, maybe “Bye, love you”?
  • Wife 25: thank you. Or I love you. I don't remember really. I try and say things like that to him often.
  • Husband 26: I assume "I love you" doesn’t count... I suppose apologizing for being a jerk and telling her she is great.
  • Wife 27: "You're my favorite husband."
  • Husband 28: Thanks for making me want to be a better person.
  • Wife 29: “Thanks for dinner, it was really good.”
  • Wife 30: that I had confidence in him and that I loved him.
  • Husband 31: Love ya.
  • Wife 32: You are such a good dad, our kids are really lucky to have you. 
What is the last loving thing your spouse said to you?
  • Wife 23: via text to a complaint of mine "sorry baby, I agree".
  • Wife 24: “That shirt looks really good on you.”
  • Wife 25: You're fishing over my line.
  • Husband 26:
  • Wife 27: "You are my world."
  • Husband 28: I appreciate everything you do for our family. I know you would do anything and everything just to bring a smile to mine or the kids face.
  • Wife 29: “You’re welcome, anything for my ladies.”
  • Wife 30: a compliment on my looks and that he loved me.
  • Husband 31: Have a good day.
  • Wife 32: You are my favorite.
How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
  • Wife 23: maybe every few months. Usually over kids.
  • Wife 24: Rarely. Hardly ever.
  • Wife 25: once a month.
  • Husband 26: Almost daily
  • Wife 27: A couple times a month
  • Husband 28: Hardly ever.
  • Wife 29: Maybe twice a year.
  • Wife 30: a few times a week.
  • Husband 31: 2-3 times per week.
  • Wife 32: Not often, not really sure.

Describe the moment you knew your spouse was "the one".

  • Wife 23: I don't think it came to me in a "moment." for a long time I was certain I wouldn't marry him. I thought about it for two years. But through the second year I was more certain with him. I knew I could trust him by them.
  • Wife 24: I remembered a dream I had had in high school, before meeting him. In my dream, I had married a tall blonde, who wore glasses. I knew he was the one, because I recognized him from my dream.
  • Wife 25: When we were planning to marry I still hadn't gotten an answer to that question and the idea of kids was discussed. I basically had to choose. 1- I could say I must have more kids, break up with him and move on. Or 2- take the chance either way that we will or will not have kids. I had to decide from there if I would still want to be married to him if we didn't have kids. I said, yes, yes I do. And that was it.
  • Husband 26: I think within a day of seeing her again after a year. I just knew.
  • Wife 27: On our first date.  I know it's corny but I just knew.
  • Husband 28: When she stuck by me in my darkest days and said she would be there to help me get through it.
  • Wife 29: Probably after about a week of “hanging out” together.
  • Wife 30: driving on a road trip and knew I didn't want to be without him ever.
  • Husband 31: About the 3rd date.
  • Wife 32: He was marrying somebody else. He flew to another state to go get married. Everybody kept asking me why I wasn't falling to pieces. I said I was never planning a permanent thing with him, it is what it is, and if it’s meant to be more, it will somehow. He called off the wedding, took the first flight home and called me from the airport. He knew all the bad stuff about me and he still picked me. I knew the ugly stuff about him, and I still thought he was pretty freaking wonderful. Somehow I knew that if there was a person who could weather life's storms with me, it would be him.

Describe a situation when your spouse let you down.
  • Wife 23: we were supposed to meet at one of my friend's houses for dinner and he bailed. Leaving me there alone. But we were still dating then. I can't think of anything since we've been married.
  • Wife 24: I was feeling at a crossroads in our marriage. I was desperate to reconnect with him. I tried explaining to him what I needed in the relationship, i.e. more physical affection. I asked him what HE needed, and he said, “I don’t need anything.” I figured that meant he didn’t need me, or our relationship.
  • Wife 25: I can count on him pretty steadily, but there are sometimes he just forgets I've said things and then we're not prepared to do them or get there on time or things like that. Not really a letdown, but a frustration. I don't hold it against him because I don't think he can remember all that well. I have learned to repeat things often.
  • Husband 26:
  • Wife 27: There's only one and it's when he cheated on me.  We were separated at the time.
  • Husband 28: She never really has.
  • Wife 29: He has let his family speak rudely to me in the past but he actually stood up to them later and demanded respect.
  • Wife 30: When I suspected a problem, offered to help and he denied it and the opportunity for me to help.
  • Husband 31: When I asked her to iron my clothes for me.
  • Wife 32: I was having a nervous breakdown and being managed out of my job and he could have helped me before it got too bad, but he didn't until it was too late, I was too sick and without a job.
What do you think about the current trend of couples divorcing based on spouses feeling more like roommates than lovers?
  • Wife 23: I think they're not trying.
  • Wife 24: That very question haunts me frequently. Should we stay married because it’s comfortable, safe? Or do we both deserve more passion, and romance?
  • Wife 25: I believe it can be true. I felt my first marriage by the end was pointless and that we basically split the responsibilities just to survive. (roommates with sex) I didn't want that so I ended it.
  • Husband 26: Shows that people are becoming increasingly more selfish. No one forces couple to grow apart. You chose not to nurture the relationship, usually because you are more concerned with your own wants and needs than those of the spouse or the relationship. If you don’t water your lawn, it will dry up, and yes, the grass will look greener somewhere else. 
  • Wife 27: Call me old fashioned but if there is love there and you're both willing to work your butts can work.  Of course, if there is abuse involved then get out!
  • Husband 28: I think its lame. If there is a problem, then fix it. Divorce is just a quick fix for lazy people who don’t want to work at making something that was great, great again.
  • Wife 29: People give up on anything that isn’t perfect. It’s sad! A relationship is a lifelong evolving process... I refuse to give up.
  • Wife 30: I totally understand the feeling. After being together so long, not falling into a rut is difficult.  Marriage takes A LOT of focus.  I am not going to judge theses people's situations, I'd just hope that people would try to feel the love again and give loyalty a try. Especially if there are children involved.
  • Husband 31: Stupid! Of course you're roommates in some ways; things can't always be peaches and cream. Get over it, life is not a fairy tale!
  • Wife 32: I think those people got married for the wrong reasons in the first place so maybe they shouldn't be married. If you feel like roommates, more than PARTNERS and FAMILY, despite what your sex life and "romantic" picture looks like, then there probably isn't a lot of actual love there. Face it, we all get bored in our marriages, to say otherwise is a big fat lie. But just because somebody else looks like they might be fun to play with, it doesn't mean I want out of my marriage; My husband is the guy who really has my back and will be there when I'm old and gray and sh#$ting my pants in the bed, and vice versa. Marriage is filled with ups and downs, times when you are attracted to your spouse, times when you're not. 
When is the last time you flirted with a person other than your spouse?
  • Wife 23: probably while we were dating. I have a GOOD thing with him and I'm not going to mess around with that.
  • Wife 24: Yesterday.
  • Wife 25: shortly after we were married. I found myself doing it out of habit. I quickly curbed that action.
  • Husband 26: What time is it? Today.
  • Wife 27: NO idea.  I don't think I have.
  • Husband 28: I try to flirt with certain people… Doesn’t always work so I go through spurts.
  • Wife 29: I don’t like flirting... besides, it’s pointless for me.
  • Wife 30: last weekish? Thanks, now I feel guilty.
  • Husband 31: 5 minutes ago.
  • Wife 32: Within the last week?

Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
  • Wife 23: democracy.
  • Wife 24: I let my husband think it’s a democracy, but really, it’s a dictatorship. And I’m the one in charge. ;)
  • Wife 25: Seriously where are we, Iran??? A Democracy.
  • Husband 26: Democracy.
  • Wife 27: The latter of course.  It's all about compromise and what's best for all.
  • Husband 28: Democracy.
  • Wife 29: Democracy.
  • Wife 30: democracy although sometimes I act like a dictator.
  • Husband 31: Dictatorship.
  • Wife 32: Democracy

If you had to explain marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
  • Wife 23: it's a commitment to love and be devoted to each other. Both parties need to work on it; it’s give and take. There always needs to be 100%. If I only feel like giving 38% then my husband needs to step up and give 62% that day. And vice versa.
  • Wife 24: Seriously? I hate this question! PASS!!
  • Wife 25: Wow, well I believe that even though there are differences between us and other forms of life, we are all formed by the same God(s) who come from the same line of thinking, therefore, they will already know about marriage because it is such a connecting force within all of God's worlds and plan.
  • Husband 26:
  • Wife 27: "it's about, two people, who love each other and who are best friends, against the world".
  • Husband 28: It’s like having a best friend of the opposite sex, only you can sleep with them and kiss them pretty much anytime you want! You know they are yours and you’re theirs, not having to worry about them running off for some newer, younger version of ya.
  • Wife 29: We choose to be partners and support one another through life; we made a commitment to do this.
  • Wife 30: man and a woman who make each other happy by serving each other and want to help each other through their mortal and eternal lives.  Do aliens believe in eternity?
  • Husband 31: Watch those ducks, it's a f$#ked situation.
  • Wife 32: Marriage is an allegiance formed for the purpose of perpetuating family with a kindred spirit, it’s not for everyone.
Define passion in one sentence.
  • Wife 23: Giving it all you have, body and soul.
  • Wife 24: A strong physical and chemical magnetism that pulls you toward each other.
  • Wife 25: The uncontrollable need to connect through physical, emotional and verbal urges with someone, something other than yourself.
  • Husband 26: When you feel so strongly about someone or something you have to be with them, or do that thing.
  • Wife 27: Knowing someone intimately.
  • Husband 28: A feeling of emotions that are like no other with one person.
  • Wife 29: The way he looks at me and without saying a word, I know that he wants me. That is passion.
  • Wife 30: Intense focus of mind body and soul.
  • Husband 31: Something you're really into.
  • Wife 32: Passion is any strong emotion or feeling.
What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
  • Wife 23: solid. Happy. Sweet. Secure.
  • Wife 24: I thought it would be butterflies in my stomach. An addiction to the other person. I thought he would be my everything.
  • Wife 25: A Disney fairytale with a bit more sex.
  • Husband 26: Falling in love is the same as I thought. Staying in love is the tricky part.
  • Wife 27: The Cinderella story.
  • Husband 28: Never really thought about it to be honest.
  • Wife 29: Like a fairytale. HAHA!
  • Wife 30: Someone reciprocating my feelings and always wanting to make me feel good and be on my side.
  • Husband 31: I didn't think about it when I was young.
  • Wife 32: All fairy tale like, he'd sweep me off my feet, dote on me and treat me like a princess, and I would be forever madly in love and wildly attracted to him. Wrong.

Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give to your children about romance?

  • Wife 23: take your time.
  • Wife 24: DON’T get married young. Go to college, see the world, play the field, figure out who you are.
  • Wife 25: that you are going to fall for it, get hurt from it and walk away smarter because of it.
  • Husband 26: Make sure the person you chose is as in love with you as you are with them.
  • Wife 27: It's hard but worth it.  It's not about you anymore.
  • Husband 28: It’s something you always have to work on. Just because you have your spouse doesn’t mean you can stop dating them. Always continue to court them and make them feel wanted.
  • Wife 29: That it’s fake... that if they think romance is like fairytales, they will always be unhappy with their perspective lovers.
  • Wife 30: Romance is great and important, but not the most important.  Find someone with the same goals and values as you and don't compromise on those goals or values.   Find someone committed to helping you with them and who is always trying to improve and you be that same way.
  • Husband 31: Make sure you live your life first before settling down.
  • Wife 32: Enjoy it when you have it, try not to have any expectations about what romance is, when you have it you'll know it. And only they can decide what is a great romance and what is not- don't let the world tell you what your love story should be.

Give three reasons people should stay married.

  • Wife 23: because it's only harder to mesh a family the second time around.
    Because a lost spark may have been just as much your fault as theirs, so start finding it.
    Because marriage is meant to last.
  • Wife 24: Common goals, children...hmm, that’s only two.
  • Wife 25: taxes, safer sex, someone to depend upon.
  • Husband 26: Commitment, raise children, dedication to each other.
  • Wife 27: "there's something powerful about sticking it out."  Sometimes divorce is the easy way out.   Love, children, family.
  • Husband 28: To have a stronger home. Parenting is not a one person ordeal. EVERYONE needs someone.
  • Wife 29: If it’s what you both want, you should be willing to make things work. That’s all I can say.
  • Wife 30: Because you covenanted to stay together and are a person of your word, because you have children who need a happy, steady home life,  taxes? Just kidding.
  • Husband 31: I really can't think of any. If you're happy, or for your kids. I don't know.
  • Wife 32: 1- Marriage is a living thing, divorce is a death- if the pros outweigh the cons you really should keep working on it, remember love waxes and wanes like the moon, and if you actually like your spouse, consider that you might just fall in love with them again 2- Raising kids alone sucks, 3- The grass is NOT greener on the other side, no matter what things look like at the moment (this is a tangent so stopping now) so unless you really just have a burning desire to be forever independent, on your own and ALONE, stick with it, you'll be happier in your golden years.
Give one reason people should get divorced.
  • Wife 23: when there's no other way to save yourself. When they absolutely are not trying. One person can't do it alone.
  • Wife 24: Abuse.
  • Wife 25: if you are hurting, if you are sad, if you cannot remember who you really are because you've changed so much to make someone else happy, you should get a divorce.
  • Husband 26: Abuse.
  • Wife 27: Abuse, mutual dissatisfaction, cheating.
  • Husband 28: Some ungodly act… Molesting children or murder, that kind of stuff. Everything else can be worked out.
  • Wife 29: Abuse, neglect, cheating.
  • Wife 30: Abuse.
  • Husband 31: If you’re unhappy.
  • Wife 32: If there is truly a complete loss of intimacy and connectedness, you are no longer even friends or care about each other at all.
Have you had romantic feelings in the last year for a person other than your spouse?
  • Wife 23: no.
  • Wife 24: Romantic feelings? No.
  • Wife 25: Yes, but I've not known him for that long.
  • Husband 26: No.
  • Wife 27: No.
  • Husband 28: Yep.
  • Wife 29: Nope.
  • Wife 30: yes.
  • Husband 31: Romantic is such a strong word. I would need to clarify this one.
  • Wife 32: Sure, I'm kind of like that by nature, poly amorous.

Have you had sexual fantasies in the last year about a person other than your spouse?

  • Wife 23: no.
  • Wife 24: yes.
  • Wife 25: No.
  • Husband 26: yes.
  • Wife 27: Yes, of course.  I think fantasies are healthy.
  • Husband 28: On more than a few occasions.
  • Wife 29: Nope.
  • Wife 30: yes.
  • Husband 31: Come on.
  • Wife 32: I'm a broken b#$@*, that's going to happen until I am an old crone with dementia, and even then it will probably just get worse and I'll be more liberal about it.

List three things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable.

  • Wife 23: cheat. Hurt my children. Physically hurt me on purpose. In no particular order.
  • Wife 24: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my marriage and my friend’s marriages, it’s that nobody’s deal breakers are actually deal breakers. You can forgive someone for a whole lot, when you love them, and sometimes letting go of your “deal breaker” is easier than letting go of the person. But the really big ones are drugs, abuse, and murder.
  • Wife 25: Cheating, lying about who they really are, and harming my girls.
  • Husband 26: I can’t think of anything I couldn’t forgive under the right circumstances. OK, if she literally tried to kill me.  
  • Wife 27: Lying, cheating and abuse of ANY kind.
  • Husband 28: Murder, molesting/beating kids.
  • Wife 29: Cheating. Abusing someone. Using drugs.
  • Wife 30: Nothing is unforgivable to me.  Things that are difficult to forgive and would result in the termination of marriage would be abuse, addiction, continuous affairs.
  • Husband 31: 1: Giving an STD, 2: Lying, 3: Drug addiction.
  • Wife 32: spend our money on another woman when we are having financial difficulties, - meet men in the park for sex because he's really gay and couldn't be honest with me about it, - molest or rape someone.

    I found all your answers to be VERY interesting! I appreciated those of you who answered honestly, and bluntly. Overall, I learned that the shorter you've been married, the more optimistic (despite it not being your first marriage). Also, even those who described themselves as happily married, had considered leaving their spouses. However, most people felt there were more positive reasons for saying together.

What did you learn?