Recently, Spitfire has been acting so entitled, and so disrespectful, blatantly telling me no, and talking back. Though, this is not really a new thing, it's gotten progressively worse. I realized I was failing as her mother, and that it could not continue. We were having screaming matches several times a day, and all that accomplished was making her upset, and me angry. Spankings (don't judge me), time-outs, and taking her phone away wasn't working either.
She would also waste all afternoon watching t.v., so we would spend all evening doing her homework. Then, she would be too tired to read, or would fall asleep reading. She is responsible for reading a certain amount each month, and hadn't met her monthly reading goal all year.
Then, I came across an idea from my friend Stephanie's blog. Because of a blended family, she and her husband have 6 kids, and she did a blog post about how they handle chores.
I liked the ideas she was using, but she has 6 kids to do all the chores, and I only have 1 (of chore-doing age). I wanted to incorporate some of what she did, but felt I needed something to motivate Spitfire too, because I was also having trouble getting her to do her homework and reading.
I knew from working with troubled teenagers, that doing chores helps to teach them discipline, responsibility and respect. When I was growing up, my sisters and I took turns doing the dishes, and we often had to scrub the bathtub. On Saturdays, we couldn't go anywhere until the whole house was clean, and the laundry and yard work done. I would never have dreamed of speaking to my mom the way Spitfire speaks to me. Assigning her chores was clearly the answer.
Now, please don't judge me. I know, as her mother, this shouldn't have been the first time my 11-year-old has been made to do chores. I don't know why I haven't before. Maybe because I HATE cleaning myself. (All the more reason, I should make Spitfire do it, because then I don't have to...hee-hee.)
I really liked the detail that Stephanie put into each chore card, but she only included two rooms in her blog. I did a Yahoo search for "chore cards" and found Organic Families, another mom's blog, where you could print her chore cards for free!
I got a lot of other really good ideas from Organic Families. One thing she does is hold items for ransom left out by her kids in a bin. Then they have to pick a chore from an envelope, and complete the task in order to get the items back.
She also uses a "Polite Plan", which is essentially consequences for things like yelling and disrespecting parents.
I LOVE the idea of consequences and this reminded me of something I saw browsing Pinterest called the Uh-Oh Jar. This comes from another blog, Happiness Is....
Another idea I got from Organic Families is a reward system. She does a point system, and then at the end of the week her kids get to cash in their points.
I knew Spitfire would think points were dumb, so I had to come up with something similar that would motivate her. Now it was time to take each of these elements, and make them work best for me and my family.
Spitfire and I talked about this new plan. I explained that there were going to be some new rules, and that it would be a bit of a transition while she learned them, but once she knew what was expected, it wouldn't be as hard. She asked if Sunshine would have to do chores, and I assured her that she would, when she was old enough.
Involving Spitfire in the whole process was key to getting her on board. First we went to the craft store to get some supplies:
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| Chore Jar/Reward Jar supplies |
First we made a Chore Jar. I changed the name from "Uh-Oh" because when you're 11, your mistakes aren't really uh-ohs anymore. I had Spitfire help me come up with some of the chores/consequences. I allowed her to have 3 "Free" squares, meaning if she draws that, she gets out of doing a chore...this time.
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| Chore Jar chores |
She must draw from the Chore Jar whenever she:
- yells at her parents
- tells us no
- doesn't do what she's told
- argues
- is disrespectful
- leaves an item out that I have "confiscated"
- slams doors
- doesn't do her daily chore
Next we made the reward jars. She also got to help me come up with the rewards. That way I knew they would be something she could get excited about.
There are small, medium, and large reward jars. The small jar has simple, inexpensive items that we will try to reward her with the same day, when possible. To earn a medium reward, she must work a little harder, but the rewards are bigger. These things she will probably have to wait until the weekend. The big reward jar has really big ticket items. She may have to wait until a pay period for those.
The rewards inside her small jar are:
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| Small reward jar |
To draw from this jar she must complete her homework, her daily reading, and her daily chore before I get home from work, for 3 days in a row. NO t.v. or playing with friends are allowed until they are done.
To draw from the medium reward jar, she must do the same, every day for two weeks. The rewards inside the medium reward jar are:
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| Medium reward jar |
Then, to draw from the large reward jar, she must complete her homework, get her daily reading done, and do her daily chore, before I get home from work, every day for a month. The rewards inside the large reward jar are:
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| Large reward jar |
Here are the finished jars:
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| Finished Chore jar/Reward jars |
I use the white board to post her daily chore, any rewards earned, and to help her keep track of how many days she has completed each task.
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| White board for daily chore assignment |
Here are the daily chore cards:
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| Chore cards |
Sometimes I assign her a daily chore that is not on the cards, like bathe the dog, or take a shower, or wash the towels on the laundry room floor.
At the end of each day, I gather up anything Spitfire has left out, and put it into a bag. She cannot have these confiscated items unless she does a chore from the chore jar. Now she puts her things away at the end of the night.
I'm sure a much craftier Pinterest mom could make jars a lot cuter, but I wanted to implement this a.s.a.p., so I didn't spend too much time making it looked finished.
As I expected, the first couple of days were rough. I believe Spitfire earned herself 5 chores from the chore jar for talking back, yelling at me, throwing a fit, telling me no, refusing to do her chore, etc. You would have thought it was the end of the world! I heard, "It's not fair!" and "I want to go live with Grams!" (She doesn't seem to realize, that I lived with Grams--my mom for 18 years, and was expected to do chores ALL THE TIME!)
The second day was better. She only had to draw 3 chore jar chores. By the third day, she drew one chore. Now there are several days when she doesn't draw from the chore jar at all! It is like I am living with a completely different child!
I come home, and her daily chore is done, her homework is done, and her reading is done. She is pleasant to be around. There is a lot less screaming and yelling, and she is helpful.
Don't get me wrong, she wouldn't be my little Spitfire if she didn't occasionally revert back to spitting fire. We had a few days where she decided to be defiant. She decided she would not do her daily chore. She screamed and yelled, threw a fit, told me no, slammed cupboards and doors, stomped her feet, and threw herself on her bed. She earned 11 additional chores from the chore jar, in addition to her daily chore.
She screamed that she was the only one who ever did any chores, and that her dad and I don't do anything. I explained that we both work to make money for her food, and clothes, and toys. Dad does dishes, the yard, the garbage, laundry, the cooking and takes care of Sunshine. I do cooking, feed the dog, laundry, keep the house picked up, and take care of Sunshine. We all have chores.
I will admit that I lost my cool that day, and went back to my old screaming habits. Nothing was working. She simply refused to do her chores. I had to get creative. I took her phone away, but she didn't care. I finally had to erase a weeks worth of tick marks she was saving up for the two week reward jar.
I told her she had 30 minutes to pout on her bed and feel sorry for herself. I set her alarm clock and told her that while she was there, she could think about how much extra work she just made for herself. She could have only had ONE daily chore, but instead she threw a fit, and earned herself a daily chore AND 11 more chores from the chore jar. I told her when her alarm clock rang, I expected her to get up, come downstairs and get to work.
When her alarm went off, she actually came downstairs and got to work. I could tell she was still very angry with me and I wanted to lighten the mood, so I got creative again. I told her part of her punishment was to hug me for 5 minutes. She said no, so I increased it to 10 minutes. She still refused. I kept increasing it until she was up to 20 minutes. You can't stay mad when you're hugging someone, right? And it was a punishment, because she didn't want to do it. She wanted to hold onto her anger for me.
Overall, I would say that these new set of rules and chores are working. This plan works more days than it doesn't. I just have to stick with it! Maybe it will work for you too!
