The Choice of the Matter

Since my last blog post more than a year ago, Mr. Wright and I divorced. It was not a decision made easily, and while on the outside we seemed like a happy couple, it was no longer working for either of us. We've been fortunate to remain very amicable throughout it all, which not only benefits Spitfire and Sunshine, but is the mature thing to do. 

My naive little 18-year-old-newlywed self somehow believed that once I got married it would all be peaches and roses. I mistakenly expected to be completely fulfilled by my husband. I never expected to feel alone and empty. My emotional needs were unmet, but I expected him to read my mind and know exactly how I felt, so I never voiced my unhappiness. Instead I let my resentment grow until we were essentially strangers. We never fought, that was never the issue. But we also never talked. 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about choice as it relates to love. I don't believe we choose who we fall in love with. But STAYING in love? That is most definitely a choice. Perhaps I am coming to this conclusion late in life. 

The more I have reflected on this, the more I have seen little quotes or sayings or articles on the internet confirming it. One of my favorite quotes from the movie This Means War is: 

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman."

One of my favorite songs this year is "I Choose You," by Sara Bareilles. A sampling of the lyrics are: 

"There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again

We are not perfect
We'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you."

A Facebook friend posted this to her timeline (the word decision implies a choice):

Then another friend posted this quote by Paulo Coelho from The Zahir:

"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose - and commit myself to - what is best for me."

And then this article surfaced. I was particularly struck by this part:

"When I got married, I...didn't get a guarantee that our marriage would work out. Such guarantees don't exist. What we did get, however, was a choice.

I get to choose to be the wife I want to be. I get to choose whether to become closer or whether to drift apart when times are hard. I get to choose to have the marriage I want with the man I choose to marry."

Obviously the Universe has been trying to tell me something. Okay Universe, I think I finally get it!

I've been very fortunate to have someone special come into my life. I have cherished being in a relationship filled with communication and mutual respect. We have stayed up all night talking on more than one occasion. I feel I am completely myself around him without pretense. He was easy to fall in love with, that part I didn't choose, but our relationship has not come without some challenges. Sometimes we have misunderstandings and conversations that are hard to have. In many ways our relationship is the most difficult I have ever had, and yet it's the most real, and the most fulfilling.

At the end of the day, there is no one else I'd rather be with. There is no one I'd rather listen to. There is no one I'd rather curl up with on the couch and watch The Walking Dead. There's no one I'd rather be touched by. There's no one I'd rather kiss. I choose to be fully committed to him. Love is a choice. It is not just something that happens. It takes work, but the reward is worth it. I make a conscious decision to love him every day. I choose him, I choose us and I choose love.