Excuse Me, Ma'am, Your Confidence Is Showing

Actresses, singers, and performers are notoriously insecure, as evidenced by this post.

Part of that is because we have to deal with rejection on a regular basis when auditioning. Even if you have a fantastic audition, the director may choose to cast their sister-in-law. Or you may not look like what the director sees in their head. It can be very cut-throat, very dog-eat-dog.

Everyone is always replaceable. Even in my band, Channel Z, we've had to replace both a singer, and a guitar player. And Channel Z has been around more than 10 years, with several different female singers, different drummers, different players altogether. I was worried that I would be replaced when I got pregnant. Luckily, that didn't happen.

Recently, after only one show, a cast member in my play was replaced. It made me really nervous, because I have NEVER had a director do that after opening night. I could understand the reasons behind it, and that it was a business decision. And the new replacement is doing a fantastic job. Still, I couldn't help feeling that maybe none of us were safe.

Sometimes as a performer, I hear little niggling voices in my head. Several years ago, I did an impromptu song recording, with my Aunt Zombie's studio equipment. I was listening to it, and mentioned to Mr. Wright that I thought it sounded like bad Karaoke (I'm my own worst critic). Mr. Wright, (who hadn't even heard it), said, "Yeah, it never sounds as good as you think it does."

I was crushed and completely devastated. I mean, I had been singing my whole life. I had been told my whole life I was a good singer. Did that mean everyone had lied to me to spare my feelings? Was I like one of those poor saps on American Idol who think they're good, but in fact, really suck? Was I completely delusional? Did I only THINK I was good?

It took me a really long time to get over it. Mr. Wright apologized, and said that he didn't mean it that way, that it came out wrong. What he meant was that our voice sounds different on a recording than it sounds in our head. But he didn't use the word different.

My confidence was so shaken. I didn't even sing in the car after that, and it took me a long time before I was willing to try singing again. When I finally enrolled in voice lessons, I cried nearly every time I sang, because I was so unsure of myself. Luckily, my voice teacher, Ginger, was very encouraging, and believed in me until I could believe in myself again.

It's nice when you can get some validation that you ARE actually good at things you think you're good at. I've recently gotten a lot of confirmation. I hope you won't think that I'm full of myself for sharing.

A few months ago, I was put on a callback list for a play that I didn't audition for. This has actually never happened to me, and while it bugs me when I find out that other people have been cast, who were never at the audition, I like it when I am on the receiving end. 

I know this director (she is a friend of mine), and she has worked with me before. I had expressed an interest in auditioning, and then decided at the last minute to NOT audition. She put me on the callback list because she knew I had been interested in doing the show.  She thought I had forgotten to come to the audition. She didn't want anyone giving her flack for allowing me to come to the callbacks, without being on the actual callback list. Being put directly on the callback list was very flattering, so I showed up to the callbacks, and did my due diligence in reading sides (lines) for the show.

I felt FANTASTIC about the audition. I felt that I had nailed the character, and found interesting ways to differentiate myself as an actress. I was excited because my friends, Larissa and Megan were at the callback too. I have been in a show with Larissa, but it was in a role that didn't really show what I can do. I have never been in a show with Megan. I was excited to show them at the callback, that I can create a character, and use playing the opposite, and comedic humor.

Afterwards, Megan said the nicest thing to me via Facebook message. "Larissa and I agree that you were the best (Character name) there--so vivacious and engaging!" And Larissa sent me a text saying, "I looooved your (Character name) and will be SHOCKED if you don't get it. You are so talented." By the way, I did get the part!

A few months later I was asked to be the romantic lead in a show that I did not audition for at all. There was one other girl they had talked to about doing it, but decided to use me instead. I had never worked for this director before. I felt very flattered that she felt she knew enough about me and what I am capable of bringing to a show, to cast me without an audition.

This current play I am doing, the composer (who has perfect pitch) was present at the dress rehearsal. After watching the show, he paid me the biggest compliment. He said that the love song (sung by me and the romantic male lead) was perfect, and that it was the highlight of the show. He also said that he loved the pep song,  (sung by me and another fellow actor), and that it was really fun.

On opening night, the director's sister was sitting at the same table as my parents. She is a Jr. High Theatre teacher. My parents overheard her tell the director that I was the strongest in the show! SO nice of her to say!

Then, after a gig with Channel Z one night, Band Leader text messaged me to say, "#Youguyskickedf'nasstonight'nufsaid. (The hashtag and the 'nuf said are sort of inside jokes we have on Facebook.)

These compliments mean the world to me! But don't think I'll be letting it go to my head. I still second guess myself, and I will always appreciate any positive comments I receive.